Journey into Motherhood

Sometimes we get caught up on the end and not the journey that encompasses. I enjoyed learning and growing from the journey of my pregnancy. I never wanted to have children or experience pregnancy until the end of last year. I got hit with the "baby bug." I was convinced adoption would be the best answer for Joshua and I. I wanted to raise a child, but had an enormous fear of pregnancy and child birth. After months of research on adoption, I realized that I also had a many fears surrounding adoption. I wanted to be a babies Mom and wasn't sure I was ok with sharing the Mom role with a birth Mother. I also had greater fear of becoming bonded with a child an the birth parents wanting their child back.

After a million thoughts on the effect of a pregnancy on my career and finances, Joshua and I decided we would make it work and decided to have our own baby.  Thankfully, we were both fertile and we got pregnant very quickly.  I was  in disbelief for the entire first trimester, that I was actually really pregnant.   It wasn't until my 13th week, I heard a heartbeat, that wasn't mine.  At that point I was then convinced that there really was something growing inside me.

We decided very early, that we wanted to have a home birth and already had picked out our midwife.  She was my brother and sister-in-laws midwife and Joshua and I really enjoyed her presences and professionalism.  Our midwife met with us monthly for prenatal exams and was always willing to talk over any questions or concerns that I had about the pregnancy.  She made the fear part of my pregnancy fade quickly.  Anytime I had fear or doubt, talking with her always brought me back into a positive frame of mind.  I always joke and say she is like a sedative. No matter how nervous I felt or scared, when she entered the room, I would immediately feel reassured and calm.  

My pregnancy progressed without any complications.  Fears and anxiety came and went throughout the pregnancy as I entered and exited different stages.  I was able to work until the first week of August.  I had hoped to work through the 22nd of the month.  I had gotten uncomfortable and carpal tunnel was severe. I was in a lot of pain because of my hands and wrists.  Not the part of my body that I expected would stop me from working.  My blood pressure had raised also slightly at one appointment.  My midwife decided to take caution and have me stop being as physically active.  My Mother had preeclampsia during her pregnancy with me and we didn't want to take the chance of me developing high blood pressure and losing an opportunity for a home birth.

At home, I had a chance to finish getting everything ready for the birth.  I spent the month getting baby stuff set up and ready and cleaning the house from top to bottom.  I also took some time to myself.  I stretched, walked the dogs and took naps.  Resting up for the big day.  Toward the middle of the month, when I was 36 weeks, my midwife discovered that Lincoln was no longer head down and was now complete breech. We got an ultrasound to confirm.  We schedule an external cephalic version with my OB.  The version was uncomfortable and sadly not a success.  My midwife gave me some exercises to try to convince Lincoln to turn.  I also visited spinningbabies.com, asked advice from an online Mom's group and went swimming and scheduled an acupuncture appointment. Needless to say, nothing worked.  At 38 weeks and 6 days, I went into labor.

My labor started early in the am.  I waited about an hour before waking my husband because I was unsure if it was really happening.  After a handful of signals, I woke him up and an hour later we called our midwife.  She told us to load up the car and head to the hospital.  We arrived about 7:30 am to the hospital.  I hadn't really had a chance to process the situation.  I had no intentions of going into labor that morning.  I thought I still had a week or more to attempt to get Lincoln to turn.  My contractions got a little more intense after arriving to the hospital.  I am glad that I got to experience some of my labor.  Once the doctor arrived, an ultrasound showed that Lincoln was still complete breech and so I was prepped for the Cesarean.

The couple weeks leading up to this day, I had moments of sadness and crying because of the chance of a cesarean. The thought of major surgery was frightening.  I had never had more than my wisdom teeth removed.  I was also worried about not having my baby skin to skin immediately following the birth. I had really wanted a home birth and a natural birth.  I originally had never wanted to become pregnant in my life. After becoming pregnant, I wanted nothing more than the entire experience.  I had expected to walk my property to cope with contractions.  Use the squatting bar that Joshua made for the birth. We had an amazing birth team that we were excited to share this wonderful life moment.   I wanted that special place in the house where my son was born.   The spot that no matter what was going on in my life, I could glance to that spot and remember the wonderful moment of bringing life, my son into this world.  I wanted the empowering feeling, that I could give birth naturally.  That I was strong enough.

The morning of labor, I surprisingly didn't cry.  I didn't even think about all that could have happened.  Partly, because of being caught off guard.  I was still nervous about the surgery, but excited that this was the day I would meet my son.  I however, wasn't prepared for what happened during my delivery.  Lincoln was not breathing and a code blue was called.  They had to resuscitate him.  He then had to spend the next day and a half in Special Care nursery.  I did not get skin to skin, I did not get to hold my baby for 24 hours.  I got to attempt to breast feed at about 30 hours.  All this was not in my plan and made for one of the longest days of my life.  Not having my baby with me after delivery made the situation feel unreal.  I felt lonely and empty. The little guy that I had been carrying for 9 months, was no longer wiggling around inside and sadly was not in my arms.

When I finally held Lincoln, I felt amazing.  The moment I had long awaited.  He was finally in my arms.  That same day, he got his first latch on my breast.  That was also, an amazing feeling.  Not having a home birth, having a caesarean, no skin to skin after birth, none of these were what I wanted. We may not have had the start we had originally envisioned ,but we were right where we wanted to be soon after birth.  Momma and baby , skin to skin and nursing.  All of the rest was soon forgotten.  I have a few regrets about not having the opportunity to experience a vaginal birth, but In the end, it was still a great start to journey of my motherhood.

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be"
Douglas Adams

The Bump

 I have discovered that being pregnant is similar to buying a new car.  I used to never see or notice a single Ford Focus Wagon around town, until I started driving one.  I feel like I now see them multiple times a day.  Joshua and I have noticed this with my pregnancy.  Everywhere I look, there are other pregnant women.  I have always noticed the occasional pregnant women, who appeared as though she was about to go into labor at any moment.  I however, have never noticed the mass quantities of women at all phases of pregnancy.  Now, I observe how big and awkward there stomachs appear and how they seem to be feeling.

I am so curious about the upcoming changes I am slowly starting to experience.   It is strange how something so natural is so foreign. My body has already started a few changes.  I am 18 weeks along and it seems like my little belly bump is growing day by day.  I have felt, what I assume, to be a few kicks.  I am patiently waiting for the those little kicks to be a regular part of my day.   I am still wearing a few of my regular pants,  but realize that the majority are in storage for awhile.  I have realized that if t-shirts are not long, they work their way up my belly as I move throughout my day.

I am moving through my day as usual.  Working, hiking and walking the dogs.  I notice small differences in how I am feeling.  Everything seems a little more tiring.  Hopefully, I can continue my daily routines for the majority of my pregnancy.  Time will tell.

Never Say Never

At 33 years, I figured I had already mapped out my path for the rest of my life.  Sometime during the middle of my 33rd year, I took a wrong turn and realized that I wasn't lost, but had decided that my life needed a different direction.  Thankfully, my husband Joshua, pondered our direction and happily jumped in for the ride.

We decided that we wanted to start a family.  Our first thought, was to adopt a child.  I had no desire to physically carry a baby for 9 months.  It seemed like it would be impossible because of my career as a Landscaper/Hardscaper.  My desire was to raise a little person from infant on and to be a mom.  

We met with a couple with two adopted children and discussed the process.  I read multiple books on adoption including Dan Savage's, The Kid.What Happened after my Boyfriend and I decided to Go get Pregnant. The books were helpful in the ups and downs of adopting.  Joshua and I talked for days over our decision and decided that this was the right choice for us.  There are a lot of children that needed homes so we didn't need to bring another baby into this world to become parents.  

Time passed, research continued on adoption.  I looked into agencies, cost and continued to read about the adoption.  As I learned more about adoption, I began getting stressed out about some of the process.  I started to wonder how I would feel to be my child's mother, but not their birth mother.  I was beginning to wonder if I had the strength to cope with my child wanting a relationship with another set of parents.

Joshua began to observe my stress and he was beginning to analyze the costs.  Sitting by a fire one night, he brought up his concern.  We discussed some of the stressful situations of adopting and money.  Joshua mentioned that he believed it would be easier to try to have our own.   Having our own went against everything we discussed when we got married.  We decided if we ever wanted a child we would adopt.  That evening sent my mind into a whirl wind.  I have always been extremely fearful of child birth and being pregnant.  Did I really want to put my body through all of those changes?  Could I work?  

I decided to start with the easiest of the questions first, could I work?  After some research on baby chat sites, I realized that answer to this question was yes.  I read about women in my same line of work, working until 38 weeks.  Overall, I read that women should be able to do what was done before pregnancy with some restrictions.  Of course this is if the pregnancy is healthy. 

So, I can work.  How do I get over the fear of pregnancy. Pregnancy is something I had never desired for my body.  I already in my 30's have struggled with staying in shape.  Was a ready for stretch marks and a pregnancy belly?  It isn't the body changes as much as the restrictions, the lifestyle changes, that bothered me the most. No more beer, I have to be careful lifting stone and straining myself at work.  How would I cope?  I thought over all my fears and realized that my want for a child was greater.  Most of my fears are just being scared of change.  Change in my body, the change of going through something foreign and unfamiliar.

 I spent hours looking over statistics on safe births and healthy pregnancies. Thought about rather I would want a hospital or home birth.  Wondered if we were even fertile. After an emotional roller coaster within my own mind, Joshua and I discussed pregnancy.  The good the bad the ugly.  We decided, that this was the best option for us if we wanted a child.  Of course, this is if we were fertile.  I went off birth control at the beginning of December and had my last menstrual cycle starting on Dec. 5th. Over the next month, we talked a lot about our choice. My attitude changed from fear, to excitement.  We thought that it was going to take months for my body to even become fertile  from the years of me being on birth control.  Instead, we found out on January 6th, that I was pregnant via a home test.  We then took three more tests to verify over the next few days.

My attitude about the pregnancy was already changing before the test.  I was getting excited to get pregnant and excited to hopefully carry our little child in my own womb.  Now that I had a positive test, I was happy and very positive about the pregnancy.  I have to admit, I was still in disbelief that I was pregnant.  I didn't feel pregnant, I didn't look pregnant.  But my urine was telling the test, that I was pregnant.  A couple weeks went by, Joshua and I decided again to take one more test.  We really wanted to be positive.  I still had zero signs of pregnancy except for sore breasts and a bit of exhaustion.  The test was positive.  I realized it was time for me to except that I am pregnant and I am very happy to be pregnant.   I am excited to be a mom, excited to experience this little person growing inside me, and excited to see their face for the first time. 

Joshua and I decided a home birth would be the most comfortable for us.  Hopefully, all goes well during the pregnancy and our little one is born in our house. I still will meet with a physician in case I have to have a hospital birth.   I have met with my physician at 10 weeks.  No exciting news from that appointment. My first appointment with our midwife  was on the 28th at 12 weeks.  We were hoping to hear the heartbeat, but we did not hear it at that appointment.  My midwife returned at 13 weeks and we finally heard our little babies heart.    Hearing the heartbeat confirmed that the little one exists.  

A New Year

I have been pretty terrible keeping up with my blog.  So, I am going to attempt to write more frequently this coming year to keep those interested in the life down in the hollow updated.

This winter we have reached most of our goals with our home.  We still have a few things to button up and the hardwood floors need to be installed.  We still have a ways to go during the month of February.  We may not get everything finished before March, but we should be close.

A few goals for myself this year, is to do more woodworking and try to pick back up my instruments.  I made a few walking sticks this last Christmas for gifts, but I have yet to make a spoon.  That is the next project on my list.  I would like to make a handful of spoons this season to sell in the fall at Musgrave Orchard..

My pups are doing well.  Halle is a little whiter in the face, but still full of spunk.  Cadet has thinned down a bit do to age and has Wobbler's Syndrome now.  It affects his mobility.  He can no longer go on hikes with the pack.  Noodles is walking without any kind of electronic collar the majority of the time.  She has come a long way in the last two years.  George the cat, is still a cat.

My chickens went through their first molt this season.  One decided to wait until mid January when the temperatures were in the low teens.  There egg production fluctuated during the winter.  It seems to be picking up a bit now.  They have a new bad habit of pooping in the nesting boxes.  Looks like early spring I will be building a new nesting box that is not attached to the coop.  That way they hopefully will not sleep in the box.

Well, that is all for now.  Just wanted to give a quick update on life in the Hollow and try to get back in a routine of writing and updating the blog.