Sometimes we get caught up on the end and not the journey that encompasses. I enjoyed learning and growing from the journey of my pregnancy. I never wanted to have children or experience pregnancy until the end of last year. I got hit with the "baby bug." I was convinced adoption would be the best answer for Joshua and I. I wanted to raise a child, but had an enormous fear of pregnancy and child birth. After months of research on adoption, I realized that I also had a many fears surrounding adoption. I wanted to be a babies Mom and wasn't sure I was ok with sharing the Mom role with a birth Mother. I also had greater fear of becoming bonded with a child an the birth parents wanting their child back.
After a million thoughts on the effect of a pregnancy on my career and finances, Joshua and I decided we would make it work and decided to have our own baby. Thankfully, we were both fertile and we got pregnant very quickly. I was in disbelief for the entire first trimester, that I was actually really pregnant. It wasn't until my 13th week, I heard a heartbeat, that wasn't mine. At that point I was then convinced that there really was something growing inside me.
We decided very early, that we wanted to have a home birth and already had picked out our midwife. She was my brother and sister-in-laws midwife and Joshua and I really enjoyed her presences and professionalism. Our midwife met with us monthly for prenatal exams and was always willing to talk over any questions or concerns that I had about the pregnancy. She made the fear part of my pregnancy fade quickly. Anytime I had fear or doubt, talking with her always brought me back into a positive frame of mind. I always joke and say she is like a sedative. No matter how nervous I felt or scared, when she entered the room, I would immediately feel reassured and calm.
My pregnancy progressed without any complications. Fears and anxiety came and went throughout the pregnancy as I entered and exited different stages. I was able to work until the first week of August. I had hoped to work through the 22nd of the month. I had gotten uncomfortable and carpal tunnel was severe. I was in a lot of pain because of my hands and wrists. Not the part of my body that I expected would stop me from working. My blood pressure had raised also slightly at one appointment. My midwife decided to take caution and have me stop being as physically active. My Mother had preeclampsia during her pregnancy with me and we didn't want to take the chance of me developing high blood pressure and losing an opportunity for a home birth.
At home, I had a chance to finish getting everything ready for the birth. I spent the month getting baby stuff set up and ready and cleaning the house from top to bottom. I also took some time to myself. I stretched, walked the dogs and took naps. Resting up for the big day. Toward the middle of the month, when I was 36 weeks, my midwife discovered that Lincoln was no longer head down and was now complete breech. We got an ultrasound to confirm. We schedule an external cephalic version with my OB. The version was uncomfortable and sadly not a success. My midwife gave me some exercises to try to convince Lincoln to turn. I also visited spinningbabies.com, asked advice from an online Mom's group and went swimming and scheduled an acupuncture appointment. Needless to say, nothing worked. At 38 weeks and 6 days, I went into labor.
My labor started early in the am. I waited about an hour before waking my husband because I was unsure if it was really happening. After a handful of signals, I woke him up and an hour later we called our midwife. She told us to load up the car and head to the hospital. We arrived about 7:30 am to the hospital. I hadn't really had a chance to process the situation. I had no intentions of going into labor that morning. I thought I still had a week or more to attempt to get Lincoln to turn. My contractions got a little more intense after arriving to the hospital. I am glad that I got to experience some of my labor. Once the doctor arrived, an ultrasound showed that Lincoln was still complete breech and so I was prepped for the Cesarean.
The couple weeks leading up to this day, I had moments of sadness and crying because of the chance of a cesarean. The thought of major surgery was frightening. I had never had more than my wisdom teeth removed. I was also worried about not having my baby skin to skin immediately following the birth. I had really wanted a home birth and a natural birth. I originally had never wanted to become pregnant in my life. After becoming pregnant, I wanted nothing more than the entire experience. I had expected to walk my property to cope with contractions. Use the squatting bar that Joshua made for the birth. We had an amazing birth team that we were excited to share this wonderful life moment. I wanted that special place in the house where my son was born. The spot that no matter what was going on in my life, I could glance to that spot and remember the wonderful moment of bringing life, my son into this world. I wanted the empowering feeling, that I could give birth naturally. That I was strong enough.
The morning of labor, I surprisingly didn't cry. I didn't even think about all that could have happened. Partly, because of being caught off guard. I was still nervous about the surgery, but excited that this was the day I would meet my son. I however, wasn't prepared for what happened during my delivery. Lincoln was not breathing and a code blue was called. They had to resuscitate him. He then had to spend the next day and a half in Special Care nursery. I did not get skin to skin, I did not get to hold my baby for 24 hours. I got to attempt to breast feed at about 30 hours. All this was not in my plan and made for one of the longest days of my life. Not having my baby with me after delivery made the situation feel unreal. I felt lonely and empty. The little guy that I had been carrying for 9 months, was no longer wiggling around inside and sadly was not in my arms.
When I finally held Lincoln, I felt amazing. The moment I had long awaited. He was finally in my arms. That same day, he got his first latch on my breast. That was also, an amazing feeling. Not having a home birth, having a caesarean, no skin to skin after birth, none of these were what I wanted. We may not have had the start we had originally envisioned ,but we were right where we wanted to be soon after birth. Momma and baby , skin to skin and nursing. All of the rest was soon forgotten. I have a few regrets about not having the opportunity to experience a vaginal birth, but In the end, it was still a great start to journey of my motherhood.
"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be"
Douglas Adams
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