Never Say Never

At 33 years, I figured I had already mapped out my path for the rest of my life.  Sometime during the middle of my 33rd year, I took a wrong turn and realized that I wasn't lost, but had decided that my life needed a different direction.  Thankfully, my husband Joshua, pondered our direction and happily jumped in for the ride.

We decided that we wanted to start a family.  Our first thought, was to adopt a child.  I had no desire to physically carry a baby for 9 months.  It seemed like it would be impossible because of my career as a Landscaper/Hardscaper.  My desire was to raise a little person from infant on and to be a mom.  

We met with a couple with two adopted children and discussed the process.  I read multiple books on adoption including Dan Savage's, The Kid.What Happened after my Boyfriend and I decided to Go get Pregnant. The books were helpful in the ups and downs of adopting.  Joshua and I talked for days over our decision and decided that this was the right choice for us.  There are a lot of children that needed homes so we didn't need to bring another baby into this world to become parents.  

Time passed, research continued on adoption.  I looked into agencies, cost and continued to read about the adoption.  As I learned more about adoption, I began getting stressed out about some of the process.  I started to wonder how I would feel to be my child's mother, but not their birth mother.  I was beginning to wonder if I had the strength to cope with my child wanting a relationship with another set of parents.

Joshua began to observe my stress and he was beginning to analyze the costs.  Sitting by a fire one night, he brought up his concern.  We discussed some of the stressful situations of adopting and money.  Joshua mentioned that he believed it would be easier to try to have our own.   Having our own went against everything we discussed when we got married.  We decided if we ever wanted a child we would adopt.  That evening sent my mind into a whirl wind.  I have always been extremely fearful of child birth and being pregnant.  Did I really want to put my body through all of those changes?  Could I work?  

I decided to start with the easiest of the questions first, could I work?  After some research on baby chat sites, I realized that answer to this question was yes.  I read about women in my same line of work, working until 38 weeks.  Overall, I read that women should be able to do what was done before pregnancy with some restrictions.  Of course this is if the pregnancy is healthy. 

So, I can work.  How do I get over the fear of pregnancy. Pregnancy is something I had never desired for my body.  I already in my 30's have struggled with staying in shape.  Was a ready for stretch marks and a pregnancy belly?  It isn't the body changes as much as the restrictions, the lifestyle changes, that bothered me the most. No more beer, I have to be careful lifting stone and straining myself at work.  How would I cope?  I thought over all my fears and realized that my want for a child was greater.  Most of my fears are just being scared of change.  Change in my body, the change of going through something foreign and unfamiliar.

 I spent hours looking over statistics on safe births and healthy pregnancies. Thought about rather I would want a hospital or home birth.  Wondered if we were even fertile. After an emotional roller coaster within my own mind, Joshua and I discussed pregnancy.  The good the bad the ugly.  We decided, that this was the best option for us if we wanted a child.  Of course, this is if we were fertile.  I went off birth control at the beginning of December and had my last menstrual cycle starting on Dec. 5th. Over the next month, we talked a lot about our choice. My attitude changed from fear, to excitement.  We thought that it was going to take months for my body to even become fertile  from the years of me being on birth control.  Instead, we found out on January 6th, that I was pregnant via a home test.  We then took three more tests to verify over the next few days.

My attitude about the pregnancy was already changing before the test.  I was getting excited to get pregnant and excited to hopefully carry our little child in my own womb.  Now that I had a positive test, I was happy and very positive about the pregnancy.  I have to admit, I was still in disbelief that I was pregnant.  I didn't feel pregnant, I didn't look pregnant.  But my urine was telling the test, that I was pregnant.  A couple weeks went by, Joshua and I decided again to take one more test.  We really wanted to be positive.  I still had zero signs of pregnancy except for sore breasts and a bit of exhaustion.  The test was positive.  I realized it was time for me to except that I am pregnant and I am very happy to be pregnant.   I am excited to be a mom, excited to experience this little person growing inside me, and excited to see their face for the first time. 

Joshua and I decided a home birth would be the most comfortable for us.  Hopefully, all goes well during the pregnancy and our little one is born in our house. I still will meet with a physician in case I have to have a hospital birth.   I have met with my physician at 10 weeks.  No exciting news from that appointment. My first appointment with our midwife  was on the 28th at 12 weeks.  We were hoping to hear the heartbeat, but we did not hear it at that appointment.  My midwife returned at 13 weeks and we finally heard our little babies heart.    Hearing the heartbeat confirmed that the little one exists.